Nightmare

My dear 

You don’t have to try 

So hard to erase 

The shadow of what is

Lurking around you 

Let it be there 

It is okay for the 

Malaise to be with 

You for a while 

After all, once you feel it 

It will be gone soon 

Without you realizing it 

My dear

You don’t have to pretend 

That you are all right 

When you can still 

Feel the pique inside you 

Rather let the tears fall down

You don’t have to reminisce

Those horrid vivid depiction 

Again and again 

They are just passing by 

Lost in the darkness 

After all, it was just a delusion 

My dear

It is perfectly alright 

For you to 

Feel aghast today 

As tomorrow you 

Will be shining bright 

After all, my dear 

It was just a bad dream

And you are all right 

Safe and sound

Wrapped by a blanket 

Of unconditional love 

Be like a child

Expressing their needs, 

Clearly and loudly

With no intention of receiving everything

Just being at the moment, laughing heartily

Neither needing to force or search for happiness

Crying their heart out

When they don’t get their small needs

Getting angry when restricted

But dancing freely with no bondage

When they accomplished something.

Just being grateful about little things in their life

Curious they are, when they don’t understand the world

Share their unconditional love with us deeply

With no expectations in return

That’s how they are

Innocent soul with heart full of love

With gratitude on their lips 

They grow each day

To spread their branches

And to be a joy in our life.

If only, we keep our inner child alive

In our heart, instead of growing up  

We won’t need to worry endlessly

If only, we keep our inner child alive

There are many blessings waiting for us

Filled with love and gratitude

If only, if we can keep our inner child

Nourished with love

Our life won’t be the same again.

Remembrance

With the festive season approaching

The warm rays of the sun is bringing out

The hidden emotions in my heart

Those painful memories

That I am trying to erase

I miss him more now

My selfish heart was hoping to

See him again

But he could not wait for me

And here I am missing his voice

Stories about his younger and vibrant days

The loud volume of his television

That used to wake me up

Those little scuffles with my grandmother

The way he called my name

His inquisitive questions about my life

As I write these words

With a heart full of regret

I can see his warm smiling face

With love for me in his eyes

And here I am pondering

Whether the dream I am chasing now

At the cost of missing my loved ones

Will it be worthwhile ?

Whether this journey will amend

All the things that I missed

Whether I am on the right path

Whether my life will be worthy ?

Will I be able to move ahead ?

And smile again someday ?

Acceptance

It sounds easy, but I cannot do it

I thought I was pretty sure that I can accept anything

But I was wrong.

I cannot accept this, I was not prepare for it yet

As I had raise my hope and expectations

But now, it’s all in vain

As I sit here, waiting for the news to sink in

To accept it

And all I can say is that it hurts badly

It hurt so bad that it is hard to move on

For now it hurts

But I hope, someday I will smile again

For now let me be in pain

Let me get hurt

Let me cry

Let me miss him

And console myself saying ‘He had lived a good life;

He is at better place than before’,

Remembering the last happy dream that I saw of him

Healthy and strong, with his peaceful smile

Sure, it will be the last memory of him

And I do miss him.

He did it

He got through it. It was certainly a difficult journey, but he did not give up.

Sickness of our loved one is a distressing thing to see, we feel helpless, as we can’t do anything to ease their pain. I have always known him to be strong willed, an active person living a disciplined life. Ever since we were kids, we used to hear him going out for jogging early morning, every day with his cane stick, making a ‘tock,tock’ sound whenever he climbed down from the stairs. He used to follow his daily routine vigorously, with punctuality as one of its indispensable characteristics.

I used to give him his evening tea at the exact time that he wanted, making us follow his trait. His garden used to be our playground, together we dug out potatoes, watered the green vegetables, and cleaned the weeds. When he retired, his love for sports and reading kept him busy. His inquisitive mind always makes him knowledgeable and strong. Whenever I go home for holidays and have a talk with him, his first question will be ‘How is the food there, it must be tasty, the food that I want to eat is what you eat there, I am tired of eating rice everyday’. ‘How big is the place? How many Meitei’s are there?’ and so on.

But when I see him on the hospital bed, with all the saline drips and injections, it saddened me to think that a person, who was so active, now is confined to the bed, needing help from his loved ones. Even though his body is weak, his mind is still strong. He called us by our name and wants us to be there near him, next to him. Before he was hospitalized, he used to say  “Even though it’s time for me to go, I still want to live for another two more years, that’s it, no more than that. I may be selfish but I want to see myself become 90”

Since he has that determination, we did not want to give up on him, not yet.  We also want to give up only when we try whatever we had in our hands and blame the age that it’s time for him to go now. We want him to live till the end. As we still want to spend more time with us. Sometimes it’s really hard to accept the truth. Everyone has to die one day. This is the only truth that is universal, but even after knowing it; we don’t want to accept it. The fact that we are losing him, I didn’t want to accept that. After all I am a selfish human, and I do want to spend more with him.As time went by, my grandfather was becoming critical.

His condition was worsening to the extent that doctors have informed us to prepare ourselves as with his old age, it’s difficult to recover. But one can call it a miracle, or our prayers being answered or his strong will to survive, he became better. His internal bleeding stopped, he started to accept liquid diets, drinking even half a cup of water  a day is a big milestone for him. Slowly, each day he is improving. He started to have solid foods. His blood count increases.  He survived through dialysis, which is quite risky when performed on senior patients.But he made through it with his will and our prayers.

Even the same doctors, who told us to prepare ourselves, were amazed at his improvement.My whole family rejoices again. The dark clouds above us did not rain and it moved on somewhere else.

He is still weak, under the care of my family members but what amazed me is the power of his strong will power and determination. Or maybe it’s not his time yet, maybe he has to spend more time with us. Maybe I will get to see him again when I go home next holiday.

But what I learned from him is not to underestimate the strength of will power. Not to neglect what determination can do, as long as you believe in it.  As long as you believe in it.

And I do wonder, whether I inherited that kind of will power from him, maybe someday when I need it, I hope it will come out.

Prayer

A sincere prayer always gets answered

No matter what the condition is

No matter how hard your situation is

No matter how long it takes

It does get answered

Prayers did wonder for me

Miracles does happen when

I least expected it

As if the road is carved out for me

Through the path of my life

I had encountered obstacles

Sometimes, I shrink into the well of darkness

There are days when I feel living the life itself is arduous

Sometimes, I cry silent tears when I sleep

But with a silent prayer and strong belief

I marched ahead every day

And that prayer of mine,

The heaven answered gladly

Making me realize that everything happened

At the right time, at the right moment

It is just that one has to walk with patience

With a brave heart and a smile on our face.

Vague

I thought the distance of the bridge could be shorten,

by understanding each other

instead i realized i was being too naive,

as i could see the loop holes clearly on the path to the bridge,

I thought trust could move every soul,

but I realized, words are too easy to say,

As to trust each other,

one need the words to be spoken from the heart

I thought with love, one can move mountains,

but I realized, I was just innocent,

as it takes courage and bravery,

to emerge out from our own heart and move the mountains

I thought accepting each others fault,

would help us to lean on each other easily,

but I realized forgiving each other,

is the hardest thing to do.

Ningol Chakouba

The dried yellow leaves of autumn season, the warm sun rays, perfect for the season, not so cold, not so hot;
it’s just warm enough which is in perfect harmony with the warm feeling coming from our loved ones during this festive season at home.

And I am here away from home, and I sure do miss my family.

If I had known that the times I spent with my close ones during this time eight years back won’t come back again for time being, I would have spent it and been with them as if it was the last moment. I should have given my all for them.

At home, tomorrow is the day when all the married women will be invited for lunch by their brothers in their maiden home. We called is ‘Ningol Chakouba’. The brothers prepare delicious, special food for their married sisters; the sisters adorn their traditional dresses prettily and go home with lots of snacks and sweets. The brothers and their parents eagerly wait for their daughters with their kids to come home. Together, they enjoy the food cooked by their brothers merrily, talking and laughing about good days. The brothers presents gifts whatever they can give to their sisters and their kids as a token of their love with their blessings. Still they continue to laugh and enjoy the moment.

As a child along with my own brother and sister, I had always enjoy this day, not because of the gifts or anything, but the fact that I will be enjoying a good lunch with my uncles, aunt and cousin’s together at my mother’s maiden home. Even though we meet now and then, on this day I feel more special and I do love the affection from my uncles. Spending times, playing together and listening to my elder’s cousins stories are one of the best memories that I had when I was growing up. Later when I go back to my own home, again with my grandparents, uncles, aunt and my cousin’s from my father’s side, we all have dinner together and go to watch movies to end the day. Sure I do miss those days, those moments, those times of togetherness.

Even though I am far from them for now, working in my  lab like a normal day, I won’t be able to hide the feeling of this warmth of this day. Definitely, I will be missing my folks back home. It is the love of our loved ones that warmed us, that make us who we are, even though we might have misunderstandings with them sometimes, but on a day like this we forgive and forget. We enjoy the good times only to bring all of us closer again, to bring more harmony and peace.

And with the memories of this festival, I realized the meaning of the phrase “Live each day as if it is last day” because if I had knew I won’t be able to attend ‘Ningol Chakouba’ at my mother’s maiden home for a long time, I would have enjoy the previous one with all my might with my loved ones. Seeking blessings and advice from my elders, playing with my cousins, I would have enjoyed more.

The dream

The memories which continues to haunt me

To saddened me, to troubled me

Thought I had erased it, thought I had forgotten

But still it appears as my dreams

Once it was a pleasant dream

But now it is a dream which I do not want to remember

Those bitter sweet memories of my past

Though I had my moment during those times

But now I don’t want to think about it

As it continues to hurt me

As my heart still aches for it.

Even though I console myself by saying,

“It’s okay, every story has its end”

It still continues to hurt me sometimes

Even though I have learned to live with the pain

I don’t want to feel this anymore

This memories, this dreams, I want it to fade away

As I don’t want to recollect it anymore

Like a dry leaf trampled and blown away by wind

I want these memories to fade away

Away from my mind and my heart

So that I can see fresh dreams again

Words

She always says “Be strong, just have the will to endure a little bit more, everything will be alright”.
He taught me “Don’t depend on others, what you can do, do it by yourself, the pleasure is more fun when you do your own work by yourself “.

When someone hurt me, she said “Don’t worry, believe in humanity and never hurt others. Don’t get swayed away from humanity as God is always there for us.”
When I get tired with my life, he said “Your will power and your motivation is your strength, you can do it”.

When I say, I miss home, she said,”We are there for you always, why do you need to miss home, just focus on your work, we are here and our home is still here. When you come back, I will cook good food for you.”
When I wanted to give up, he always told me, “It’s okay, you will do it next time, I believe in you.”

When I accomplished a small thing, she says,”See, your hard work pays off, there is nothing better than doing your best, continue to strive for better”

When I am worried about my unseen future, he says, “Don’t worry, There will be a great path ahead for my daughter, everything will happen at right time”.

When I don’t understand the death of my loved ones, she said, “its okay, even though it hurts for now, what can else we do, his time here is over and he had to go, leaving us. This is what getting old means, someday i have to go also, but we have memories with us.”
When ever we go out, he always say, “Take pictures, seize the moment as photos, these are the memories that we will always remember”.

These are the  words that I grew up listening. Simple words but it contains all that I need to know to go through my life.
For all these years, remembering these words, helped me to be strong and independent.

I recollect these words when I am struggling,
when I want to give up,
when things are not going well.

They have always been there in my walk of my life.
Who I am right now, what I am doing right now, it’s because of them.
The two most opposite people that I have ever met , but taught me everything.