Its ending

Another 365 days gone by, just like a wink in front of our eyes

And as usual,  I feel nostalgic about it as i do,  every last day of the year.

May be I am scared or insecure about the coming days,

But, I could not help reminiscing about the days I had this year.

2017 was a  good year to me,  Both personally and professionally

I faced suffering and frustrations, but I gained more wisdom.

I traveled more, and met new people making more memories.

I met my old friends and laugh over our past days.

I work harder and gave my PhD synopsis finally, even though research is never ending.

I got my sincere prayers answered, making me to believe more in the power of prayer.

Even though I am marching in the new year, with less tensions compared to last year

I could not help anticipating and being curious about it.

After all, at the end it depends on how one utilize each day to bring the best out of it.

And I do hope, all my dreams for which I am working will come soon.

With all these thoughts and prayers, here I am marching into the new year

With smile and faith in my heart…

Happy New Year …

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Her Marriage

I am having mixed emotions today.

Happy and nostalgic; at the same time. When she said she is getting married, I am happy for her. But at the same time, I was thinking, is this for real?

We knew among four of us, she will get married first , but still the happy news has to sink in our mind. My another friend told me, ” I still cannot believe her “. And here I am thinking, yes , now we are at the stage where we hear only the stories of our wedding bells, so it has to be true.

Looking back, i cannot help reminiscing our past together. We were small kids with our school uniform, with our heavy bags, coming to school, laughing and giggling. Studying together, making fun of the teachers and what not we did. We had our share of fun when we were growing up. Roaming places, shopping together, eating , always chatting, sometimes fighting and then laughing loudly like lunatics (we still do that), that sometimes our dear mother’s used to say, “How are you guys talking like that, talking and laughing at the same time.”

I cannot believe, those days are a part of our memories now. We have grown up, move on along with the pace of our life, but still the most important part is we are still in touch and connected. 20 years and we are still together. And i know this relationship will last till the end. No matter what.

Her house used to be the meeting point for most of us, as her house was at the center of the town, nearer to most of our friends house. We used to meet there when we come home for holidays.  With her marriage now, this thing will also change. Along with her marriage, a part of us is also leaping the next step. I still remember what her mother said to us last year, when we were leaving her house “You guys continue to meet each other okay, till the end, be together”. And this year, if i go to her house, it will be her wedding.

Time do bring changes…

Indeed, I am happy for her, for her new journey, new life. But at the same time, I cannot stop being nostalgic.

We had our past memories together, now , we will share new memories with her, and her new family…And this is what we called as our ‘Life’.

 

 

 

I forgot

After such a long time, here i am typing again to jot the words which are on my mind. Wonder whether it will come out, like how i wanted.

I have been in slump in terms of writing, I was too busy living my life, rushing to get results for my research work.

I was chasing my dream, running after it, to survive in these hectic days of ours, that I almost forgot everything, every small thing that I love doing that make me smile.

Sometimes, I used to think being ambitious is difficult. I contemplate and think to myself, “Why is that I am ambitious, as walking to that path of my dream, is not easy. It’s really difficult, but if I don’t take this path, I won’t be who I am,”. But because of this, i forgot to cherish the journey of my struggle.  The road to success is never an easy one, the hurdles we have to cross with its rocky path is never ending. Despite that we wait to eat the sweet fruit of our hard work, to meet the expectations that we set for ourselves.

But, I was so busy in fulfilling these expectations, rushing to the results that I forgot to live my life. I was so engrossed in complaining about the things not working my way, searching for the negative reasons to self pitied myself that I got the worse scenario of problems.

Even though i laugh, i live,  i sleep, i forgot to focus on really living my life.

I was overloading myself with my own frustrations, that i forgot to realize that everyone in the world has the share of their own problems.By giving the excuse of being a human, I  forced myself to believe that my shares of worries are bigger than everyone else. I was so captivated by my own pain; i forgot to see that even the heavy storm we face now goes away after it rained the whole night.

I was so blinded my own miserable thoughts, that i forgot to be grateful for the wonderful gifts that i have till now.

I forgot to follow my favorite words “ to see the blessings in each small things around us”

Sure, a negative thought, like a rotten apple can harm our thinking and way of life. Now i regret the time i wasted, the words that came out because of my anger, the relationship that I hampered, the people that I hurt and could not give my time in the name of my frustrations and worries.

I regret losing the joy of being grateful for small things; the small happiness that I get when I crossed the road when no vehicle were running on the busy road, the joy of getting an empty bus seat on a crowded bus, when you really need it.

That feeling of excitement when, it drizzles after such a long dry spell of hot summer, the smell of the earth after it rained, the contentment when you found some money on your old jeans. The feeling that each day is a gift to a healthy person as many sick ones are struggling to live one more day, i have forgotten all.

I forgot that I have a child inside me, and I let that child mature into an adult.

I have forgotten that your loved ones are there around you, despite the fact that you are imperfect.  I forgot that I am in someone’s else sincere prayer and they are praying for me.

That your friends are there with you, to helped you to walk down this path of yours.I have forgotten that miracles do exists, despite the complains that i shower upon people.

I have forgotten that each day is a blessing.

Now, i hope i can regain this blessing, with an open heart of being grateful of the fact that I am still pursuing my dream that I am living for.

With the power of faith in my heart now, i want to regain my lost self, to give more love to others.

 To create miracles for others.

And I hope to live like that forever.

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I miss him so…

With the festive season approaching
The warm ray of sun bringing out the emotions that i tried to hide
I miss him more,
My selfish heart was hoping that I could see him during my next holiday
But he cannot wait for me.

And here i am missing his stories,
The loud volume of the TV, which i used to hear when i woke up
the arguments he used to have with my grandmother.

The way he called my name,
His inquisitive questions that he used to ask me every year;
As I sit down here to write this, with a heart full of regret.

I can see his warm smiling face,

And letting me to ponder, whether the dream I am chasing now;
At the cost of missing my love ones, will it be worthwhile?
Whether this journey will amend for all the things that I missed?

Acceptance

It sounds easy, but I cannot do it

I thought I was pretty sure that I can accept anything

But I was wrong.

I cannot accept this, I was not prepare for it yet

As I had raise my hope and expectations

But now, it’s all in vain.

As I sit here, waiting for the news to sink in

To accept it

And all I can say is that it hurts badly

It hurt so bad that it is hard to move on

For now it hurts,

But I hope, someday I will smile again.

For now let me be in pain

Let me get hurt

Let me cry

Let me miss him.

And console myself saying ‘He had lived a good life;

He is at better place than before’,

Remembering the last happy dream that i saw of him

Healthy and strong, with his peaceful smile;

Sure, it will be the last memory of him

And i do miss him.

 

 

He did it

He got through it. It was sure a difficult journey, but he did not give up.

Sickness of our loved one is distressing thing to see, we feel helpless, as we can’t do anything to ease their pain.

I have always known him to be strong willed, an active person living a disciplined life. Ever since we were kids, we used to hear him going out for jogging early morning, every day with his cane stick, making a ‘tock,tock’ sound whenever he climb down from the stairs. He used to follow his daily routine vigorously, with punctuality as one of its indispensable character.

I used to give him his evening tea at the exact time that he wanted, making us to follow his trait. His garden used to be our playground when we were kids. Together we helped him  digging out potatoes, watering the green vegetables, cleaning out the weeds.

When he got retired, his love for sports and reading, keep him busy. His inquisitive mind always makes him knowledgeable and strong. Whenever I go home for holidays and have a chat with him, his first question will be ‘How is the food there, must be tasty, the food that I want to eat is what you eat there, I am tired of eating rice everyday’. ‘How big is the place? How many Meitei’s are there? ‘and so on.

But when I see him on the hospital bed, with all the saline drips and injections, it saddened me to think that a person, who was so active, now is confined on the bed, needing help from his loved ones and hospital staffs. Even though his body is weak, his mind is still strong. He called us by our name and wants us to be there near him, next to him.

Before he was hospitalized, he used to say  “Even though it’s time for me to go, I still want to live for another two more years, that’s it, no more than that. I may be selfish but i want to see myself become 90.”

Since he has that determination, we did not want to give up on him, not yet.  We also want to give up only when we tried what ever we had in our hands and blame on the age that it’s time for him to go now.

We want him to live till the end. As we still want to spend more time with us.

Sometimes it’s really hard to accept the truth. Everyone has to die one day. This is the only truth that is universal, but even after knowing it; we don’t want to accept. The fact that we are losing him, I didn’t want to accept that. After all I am a selfish human, and I do want to spend more with him.

As time goes by, my grandfather, he was becoming critical. His condition was worsening to the extend that doctors have informed us to prepare ourselves as with his old age, it’s difficult to recover.

But one can call it miracle, or our prayers being answered or his strong will to survive, he became better.

His internal bleeding stop, he started to accept liquid diets, drinking even half cup of water  a day is a big milestone for him. Slowly, each day he is improving. He started to have solid foods. His blood count increases.  He survived through dialysis, which is quite risky when performed on old patients, as there are cases where one cannot get through during dialysis. And amazingly, he made through it with his will and our prayers. Even the same doctors, who told us to prepare ourselves, were amazed at his improvement.

My whole family rejoices again. The dark clouds above us did not rained and it moved on somewhere else. For now, he is still weak but recovering slowly. He is discharged after staying a month at hospital, feeling better than before.

He is still weak, under the care of my family members but what amazed me is the power of his strong will power and determination. Or may be its not his time yet, maybe he has to spend more time with us. Maybe I will get to see him again when I go home next holiday. But what I learned from him is not to underestimate the strength of will power. Not to neglect what determination can do, as long as you believe in it.  As long as you believe in it.

And I do wonder, whether I inherited that kind of will power from him, may be some day when I need it, i hope it will come out.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Prayer

A sincere prayer always get answered
I am not a very spiritual or religious person
But i believe in the power of prayers.

No matter what the condition it is,
no matter how hard it is, no matter how long it takes,
it does get answered.

For me, prayers did wonders for me
Miracles does  happen when
I least expected it.
As if the road is carved out for me
long way before by Heaven above.

Through the path of my life,  I had encountered obstacles;
Sometimes, I shrink into the well of frustrations.
There are days when i feel living the life itself is arduous
Sometimes i cry silent tear when I sleep.

But with a silent prayer and strong belief in him,
I marched ahead every day.

And that prayer of mine, he answered gladly
Making me to realized that everything happened
at the right time,at the right moment.
It just that one just have to walk in our life patiently
with a brave heart and a smile.

 

 

New Year

Last year I was at home, sleeping on my comfort bed in the cold winter,

And today I am in my lab, writing this post and enjoying the pleasant weather.

When I looked back and think, how this year went..I can only say,

Time flies away in the blink of my eyes,

All I could remember was spending and welcoming the New Year 2015 with my family;

But now here I will be in my hostel with my friends, at least I am not alone.

This year, I had happy memories, i laughed with people i cherished the most

As well as i endured my bad times with the care from my loved ones

I  learn to become a better person,

I learn to walk and heal from my own pain,

I learn to endure the frustrations, still i had cried over my sorrow.

I learn to live with patience, still i need to learn to be more patient..

I had work hard but at the same time, i had learned to live with failure.

But most importantly, I learned to have more faith in the power of prayers,

Faith in my own prayers as well as faith in my loved ones prayers.

And now, I am waiting eagerly for the new year to come,

For a fresh start, new hope and new beginnings..

And today will again be a past memory soon..

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Vague

I thought the distance of the bridge could be shorten,

by understanding each other

instead i realized i was being too naive,

as i could see the loop holes clearly on the path to the bridge,

 

I thought trust could move every soul,

but i realized, words are too easy to say,

As to trust each other,

one need the words to be spoken from the heart

 

I thought with love, one can move mountains,

but i realized, i was just innocent,

as it takes courage and bravery,

to emerge out from our own heart and move the mountains

 

I thought accepting each others fault,

would help us to lean on each other easily,

but i realized forgiving each other,

is the hardest thing to do.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Festive Season

The dried yellow leaves of autumn season, the warm sun rays, perfect for the season, not so cold, not so hot;
it’s just warm enough which is in perfect harmony with the warm feeling coming from our loved ones during this festive season at back home.

And I am here away from home and my family members, and I sure do miss them and the festivals.

If I had knew that the times I spent with my close ones during this festive season before eight years back won’t come back again for time being, I would have spent it and be with them as if it was the last moment. I should have given my all for them.

At back home, tomorrow is the day when all the married women will be invited for lunch by their brothers in their maiden home. We called it as ‘Ningol Chakouba’. The brothers cook delicious, special food for their married sisters; the sisters adorn their traditional dresses prettily and go home with lots of snacks and sweets. The brothers and their parents eagerly wait for their daughters with their kids to come home. Together, they enjoy the food cooked by their brothers merrily, talking and laughing about good days. The brothers presents gifts whatever they can give to their sisters and their kids as a token of their love, and the elders giving blessing to the young ones.Still they continue to laugh and enjoy the moment. This is how the day goes.

As a child along with my own brother and sister, I had always enjoy this day, not because of the gifts or anything, but the fact that I will be enjoying a good lunch with my uncles, aunt and cousin’s together at my mother’s maiden home. Even though we meet now and then, but on this day I feel more special and I do love the affection from my uncles. Spending times, playing together and listening to my elder’s cousins stories are one of the best memories that I had when I was growing up. Later when I go back to my own home, again with my grandparents, uncles, aunt and my cousin’s from my father’s side, we all have dinner together and go to watch movies to end the day. Sure I do miss those days, those moments, those times of togetherness.

Even though I am far from them for now, and I will in my lab working like a normal day, but I won’t be able to hide the feeling of this warmth of this day and will be missing my folks back home. It is the love of our loved ones that warm us, that make us who we are, even though we might have misunderstanding with them sometimes, but on a day like this we forgive and forget all the bad stuffs and enjoy the good times only to bring all of us closer again.

And with the memories of this festival, I realized the meaning of the phrase “Live each day as if it is last day” because if I had knew I won’t be able to attend ‘Ningol Chakouba’ at my mother’s maiden home for a long time, I would have enjoy the previous one with all my might with my loved ones. Seeking blessings and advice from my elders, playing with my cousins, i would have enjoyed more.